Sunday, September 13, 2009

In the Garden

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

busyness

I got on to my computer tonight with nothing in mind but a break. I noticed that I have not blogged since July 16 which is clearly over a month ago. Not because of laziness - well maybe a little - but because we have been so incredibly busy. First of all, plumbing issues lead us to not only spend an unexpected fortune on new pipes, but we now have beautiful holes in a few of the walls. My positivity lead me to tell my husband that "at least the holes are in rooms we have not painted. Therefore, we have a greater urgency for paint in those rooms!" As much as my husband loves to paint... Also, adding to the busyness, for the past two weeks I have gone in to work twice a week instead of just once. I really don't know how mothers of multiple children work and keep their houses. I worked two days in one week and I felt like the sky was going to fall. Which leads me to another busyness - the twins are scooting! I know, it's incredibly exciting and overwhelming. I am starting to see sibling rivalry play out in my household. Joshua just doesn't quite understand that the babies don't know what is his and theirs. Lastly, on the busyness list, Jared has been working a lot. I feel bad because he doesn't get a lot of sleep and he's gone a lot, but I know he would rather it be this way than me working while he stayed at home between shifts.
So, with all of our busyness stacking, I have decided to break free from the cycle. I have suggested that Jared and I go on a trip - just the two of us - in January after the twins' birthday. I thought this might get us distracted from the fact that he is working all the time and I am busy with kids all the time. Though we love it - it's exhausting. Jared and I have a weekly date night - thanks to the in-laws - and I think that this night, once a week, has single-handedly saved our marriage. We switch off picking dates each week and we just hang out and remember why we are married. I love it.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

training

Since April, my friend Catherine and I have been training for a race - The Hottest Half. It is called the hottest because it falls dead in the center of August. Are we crazy? Probably. It is called a half because it is a half marathon. In the middle of August. Are we crazy now? Definitely. Back in April I thought a half marathon would be fun and a good way to shed some baby weight. Now that it is over 100 degrees daily, I am not so sure. This past Catherine and I ran eight miles. This week will be nine. It's amazing how you can train your body to do things like run long distances. I am more amazed that I - me! - am training my body to do it. In a way, I am proud of myself, because I am accomplishing a small goal (or a long goal I should say) that I set for myself. I love the feeling of accomplishment. It makes me feel as though my small contribution in this huge world means something.
Today at work I was telling my friend - who has gone off to teach and build a career - how old I felt sometimes with all these college kids working with me. My student asked me why I don't teach. I was taken aback for a moment not prepared for the question. Then I told her that I have three children and I would rather not work full time. I would rather be at home. Which is halfway true. Sometimes I feel as though I set a goal for myself - like running- that I have yet to accomplish. My passion is teaching and I have dreamed of making a difference in others' lives through English, writing, and communication, but where did it go? Sure I tutor and teach, and I love doing that, but will I ever have my time? I hope that I will not completely regret the - completely right and God willed - decision that I have made to stay at home. And I hope that I get to teach someday. Part of me still feels that it is a distant dream never to become reality.
Then I begin to ask myself questions like, "Would you rather be working?"; "Would you rather leave your children with someone else?"; "Do you wish you would have waited to have children?" Though my answer to myself is always, "No", it still lingers. I love being a mother and am so blessed to have my beautiful boys, I just hope that one day it will be my turn. I am so blessed to have a husband that works his tail off to support and provide so that I don't have to work. One of our friends said - in reference to sending her child to daycare - "She's going to learn it, no matter who teaches her". This put Jared at an uproar. He told me tonight that he would not want anyone else to teach our kids. I appreciate that he said that. He has always been supportive of me working or staying at home and I appreciate hearing that he does expect that of me. I am glad and blessed to provide - they are everything to me. May God bless my children and husband because I stay at home. I pray that he allows me to be content with the choice of staying at home.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

half way

This Friday notes the halfway mark in the twins first year. Has it really been that long? Yes. Has it gone by quickly? Yes. Has it felt like six whole months? Definitely.
My dad asked me earlier this evening if it was easy to bring the kids to their house every week. I just looked at him and said, "Nothing is easy." My hope, as I sit and blog late at night, is that one day, somewhere over the rainbow, it will be easy; or maybe just easier. I keep reminding myself that after the twins start walking it will be better. But then I look at Joshua and I think, "terrible two's is better!?"
Oh, well. Life is fun - no - interesting is the better word. Last week, during our weekly trip to my parents, we went swimming. As we were all finishing and everyone was getting out, Jared took Joshua's life jacket off. I was sitting at the other end of the pool talking to my dad and Jared started to tend to the babies. The very next thing I knew, I see Joshua's head bobbing in the pool. Flip out is an understatement to my reaction. Gatorade bottle flung. towel stripped. I practically ran on water to my child's aide. Good gracious! I did not hear him splash or anything. As Jared was closer, he heard my cries and jumped in to save Joshua. Exasperated, and in tears, I grabbed my crying Joshua and hugged him so tightly. How quickly it all happened. That night, I broke down. Reality of how much Joshua is to me and how fragile his life is set in. Thank the Lord God Almighty that he turned my head at that moment and that Jared was right there to jump in the pool. My sweet Joshua. Thank you God for my children and may I never take their lives or my motherly position for granted.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

easier

Until recently, I have been a middle-of-the-road kind of person. I have opted out of activities because it was more comfortable to not participate. I had very low expectations of others because I did not want them to let me down. I also had very low expectations of myself because I did not want to feel guilty for letting others down. I felt it was easier not to make friends than to make friends and be disappointed. Or worse, disappoint them. Since Jared and I have joined FBC, I feel many of my inhibitions have been freed. I think part of it is desperation. Part of it is feeling more comfortable with myself as a person and friend. Part of it is allowing God to move in me. Really, if I never got intimate with anyone, how could God work through me? If I never got intimate with anyone, how could God work in me through others?
So, I (or we, I should say; including Jared) have been putting myself out there. Allowing my flaws to be shown. Allowing others into our personal lives to share. Why? Honestly, I am tired of making life easy and comfortable. Nobody gets or keeps a relationship with easy and comfortable. One example is my running buddy, Catherine. I have wanted to run a half-marathon for a long time, and now that I am never (thank God!) going to be pregnant again, I can train for one. So, I put myself out there. I asked her to run with me. And, we have been running together for about two months. Every Saturday. It wasn't easy or comfortable to ask, but it was worth it.
Tonight, we had a girls night. I love those girls. I wasn't going to go because Jared and I are down to our last pennies of the month and we have a mortgage coming. Needless to say, we had no money for a movie. Well, I get a text about five saying that they had an extra ticket. Such great friends to think of me. So, I dropped the clan off at the in-laws and went to the movies. Nothing special, just girls seeing a girly movie. But it was wonderful. I know for a fact that I would not have friends like that if I had not put myself out there. What a difference some vulnerability can make. Thank the Lord that I can share random life with people who care, and they are not my family.Thank the Lord that I have friends who are Christians and they have the same goals in their life/family/marriage as I do in mine. Thank the Lord that he has saved me from insanity by putting amazing people in my life. I pray that the Lord will work through me to bless the people he has put in my life. That my words and actions will be uplifting, encouraging, and loving.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Clarify

I am writing this blog, not to journal, but to clarify my last entry. Apparently people really do think that my marriage is falling apart and that we desperately need money. None of the things I listed are true, they are meant to be exaggerations. Let me clarify a few things: Life is hard. It's even harder when you have three kids under the age of three, a husband who works a lot, and a wife who does not. Our family, and marriage, are not perfect by any means, but we are all in it together. Life is hard. One of the reasons I began to blog was, and still is, to release some of the unneeded tensions. Life is hard - and that is what I mainly blog about. Life is also amazing. God has blessed me with a wonderful family, husband, house, and life. Life is hard; God is good. My prayer is that God would use this blog to reflect His movement in my life and to help others come closer to him.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Falling

Maybe it just happens to me, but sometimes I feel like the rug gets pulled right out from under my feet. This describes this week. Everything happened at once. Let me list the things I felt this week: my marriage was falling apart, my twins were always hungry, my Joshua was never happy, my bank account was completely empty. I found myself yelling at God saying, "What! What do you want!?" This week I wanted to crawl into a hole where no responsibilities existed. "I did not sign up for this" I found myself saying tonight. Jared left for work at the most inappropriate time - 8:00 - leaving me to feed the babies and get all three children into bed. On top of that, I had to make breakfast for our class tomorrow. Overloaded. Needless to say, breakfast is not made and the kids got into bed about 9:30. Exhausted. I am trying to relieve some of my anxiety on the computer. God, move in me. Change me. Relieve me.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Change

Oh, how God has changed my heart in the past four months. Last weekend, my mother (yes, my mother) graduated from college. This has been thirty years in the making and I am so proud of her. Of course, going to the graduation and walking around the campus I once, too, attended, reminded me of my own degree and college experience. How time flies. Just two short years ago, I was walking across the same stage receiving a diploma of my own. Since that time, I have not done a thing with it, except get a raise at work. But, that's the way God changed me. It's ironic to me that just as my mother is beginning to face the world after staying at home, I am leaving the world to stay at home. Much of me wonders why she wants, so badly, to become a career woman when clearly she does not need to. But, that's the way God changed her.
Recently, the Lord has taught me that my impact outside of my home is not as great as my impact on my home. He has taught me to have joy as a mother and wife. He has given me peace and contentment with the everyday, as I once thought the mundane. The Lord has taught me how to trust my husband to completely provide for our family. Most of all, the Lord has given me such a great love for my family that I don't feel the need to work anymore. This being said, last week, I gave Marca my notice. I told her that I could work through the summer, but after that I would be finished. What do I think of this? Part of me feels relief. The other feels regret. Logically, my income does nothing and I am asking my tired husband to watch three boys, which is no small task. Emotionally, I love my job and I love the continual learning, growing, and helping. So, what is my solution? Prayer right now. Marca asked me to work just one day a week. I am not sure what my response will be. I pray that the Lord will guide me through this neverending work battle and I will be confident enough to follow through with His decision.

Monday, May 11, 2009


case of the mondays

Every Monday since the twins arrived home, my Granmom has heroically saved me. She comes promptly at ten to aid with laundry, dishes, chores, lunch, feedings, and reading. Monday is definitely my favorite day of the week because I feel that I am not alone. I feel that someone else understands and is truly helpful. Truly helpful to me is someone who knows exactly what you need and, with no words, does exactly what needs to be done. This is Granmom to a T. We have such a system down now, it feels almost easy to begin the week. Not only do I get my laundry done every week, I get to spend a little alone time with Joshua. Though he is a good big brother, he misses being an only child. Sometimes I miss having time alone with him. So we go to the store, to the mall, to Matt's store (which happens every week, no doubt), anywhere. Because we are alone, and we can do whatever we want. It's kind of mother-son bonding time. When this happens, I am more intuned with Joshua and he somehow becomes my sweet boy again. I only bring up these glorious Mondays because this Monday was not like other Mondays. Granmom, and Pop, travelled to celebrate their anniversary, which left me alone on Monday. I truly was paranoid that absolutely nothing was going to get done. Suffice it to say, my mother came in to rescue the morning. So, all was well. We didn't quite get all the laundry done, but I had help in the chaos - that's all that matters.
As for other matters in life, I am praying praying about work. God has completely overcompensated for my income by providing a well-paying extra job for Jared. Lord, give me the strength to do the best thing for my family. Give me confidence in your future and your plans for me.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

spring garden

In early March, I finally tackled the horrendous flower bed out front. After hours and hours of pulling, digging, and replanting, I found that this flowerbed had not been touched for years. I soon realized that when workers are building a house, instead of using a trash can, they just sweep everything into the flowerbed. So I found brick and wrappers among the weeds and grass. So, here we are, two months later, and I am still battling the weeds and grass. I feel this will be a long war, that I am determined to win, no doubt. Some progress has been made, though. Those two months ago, I did plant bulbs of calla lilies, day lilies, caladiums, and others. I have been watching and waiting for those rustic bulbs to burst into beautiful flowers. Well, spring has sprung. My day lillies are about to burst with color and I am so anxious.
The changing of the seasons is occurring in our home, too. My little preemie babies are growing and bursting with life. As hard as motherhood is, seeing your children begin to express themselves and develop their own personalities is amazing. Seeing it twice at the same time is even more amazing. Landen and Peyton are proving to be more than just eaters and sleepers. Landen is a people-pleaser. He is the first one to smile at a guest and the first to cuddle in another's arms. Peyton is quite the opposite. Jared says he is a huge mama's boy - even more so than Joshua. He almost throws a fit anytime someone other than 'mama' feeds him. he will not smile at other people unless they really entertain him. He is gonna be a pickle - I can feel it. But I know that he is going to be really exciting, too.
May God continue to bless my boys with health and give me a new love for them each day.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Impose

Really, does the government need to put its dirty paws in every aspect of our lives? I have been watching the news religiously every morning for the past few months and am literally appalled at some of the things that are happening. For example, today, President Obama is giving a speech about the swine flu "epidemic". Really!? There have been a total of ten cases in the United States, of which, have been treated. So, do we have to hear about it from the president? The president who should be speaking is Chavez; his country is the one where over one hundred people have died because of the flu.
Not to mention, the other things Obama has been claiming as his own. Just to name a few:
  • bailing out numerous companies such as GM, AIG, Chrysler, Bank of America
  • apologizing to European countries for U.S. past actions
  • calling America "arrogant"
  • telling Chrysler to merge with Fiat
  • upping the tobacco tax by 250%
  • calling interrogation methods by CIA illegal
  • holding responsible those who practiced these methods while legal
  • holding responsible those who gave legal advice about these methods
  • pulling out of Gitmo
  • pulling out of Iran and Iraq
  • asking the Middle East and European countries to get rid of their nuclear weapons
  • devising a plan to disassemble our nuclear weapons despite the fact that other countries are launching nuclear weapons (so-called satellites) into the sea
  • Saying (para Hilary Clinton) that the happenings in Pakistan are Pakistani business and not our own despite the fact that the Taliban is taking over the government and police force and the country has upped its plutonium manufacturing
  • Signing a billion-dollar spending plan without Congress even seeing the bill
  • Signing a trillion-dollar budget with over 3,000 earmarks
  • cutting spending only in the defense program when people in Arizona got a million dollars for cricket control in the parks
And this is just to name a few. Well, people voted for him because they wanted change. Is this change really good for our country and economy? I guess we will see. I just wish this experiment was not at the expense of my tax dollars. I feel that he is weakening our country's standing in the world, and if the downfall of this super power is coming, it is coming soon because of him. You don't bow to the king of other countries and expect him to respect America or like it more. You don't go around apologizing for American actions and promote peace and expect everyone else to follow suit. There are people who desperately want to hurt America and Americans and feelings are not going to change just because we have a black president and he speaks well. God, bless us. No. God, have mercy on us.
Okay, my rant is over.

Monday, April 13, 2009

O, the Day

Will there ever be a day when something gets done on the list? I feel like the bathroom has sat unfinished for weeks! I keep thinking, "Okay, tomorrow we'll get it done." But tomorrow comes and goes and the tile is still not grouted and the paint is still not finished. This weekend was so busy, Joshua ended up with an overworked fever last night - poor guy. We put too many things into one weekend. I found myself screaming, "Can we, please, get back to our routine!" We didn't even get to spend proper time with our family members because we were so exhausted come Sunday afternoon. Needless to say, Jared worked Saturday night so he was of no use to anyone - poor guy. Sometimes I feel bad for making him work nights, but I know that this is best for our family right now.
Since yesterday was Easter, I saw many people at church that I do not usually see; like my friend from high school, Bethany. Though her family comes to church at FBC, she, her husband and children do not attend. They are what you call the twice-a-year Christians. Easter and Christmas are their 'church' days. Fortunately, in SS, Kirk told us to pray for those people in our section during church. So, obediently, and very convicted, I prayed for Bethany and her sister Brook and their families that I would be a light to them. Jared has invited Jeremy, Bethany's husband, countless time to play basketball and he has never come. But I thank God that he has put that family in our lives. I just hope that we can make a difference. I pray that God would give me timing and an opportunity to invite her to something or just to be a friend when she needs one. Sometimes I feel silly for trying to impose Christ on other people's lives, but isn't that what I am called to do?! It's about time I get off my butt and start being a witness for Christ and fulfilling my obligation in this world. I just pray that my own insecurities don't get in the way of what the Lord has for me.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Life

So, last week was the beginning of back-to-work. All the while I was thinking, "Maybe I could just work through the summer, or maybe I could work till the end of school." Then I was thinking, "No, this will really help out with diapers and formula." Oh, what to do, what to do. I feel bad leaving my tired, overworked husband at home with three kids. I thoroughly feel content while at home. But I love what I do, and I like being ridiculously busy - if that is logical at all.
Tonight I put my twins in their own room for the first time. They have been sleeping from nine to seven every night for a week so I knew it was time to part with them. On one hand I am happy and rejoicing that I finally got my room back, but these are my last babies. I am not a baby-baby person so I can't wait for them to grow up, but I keep reminding myself that I need to cherish these moments, not rush them. To worsen things, I signed Joshua up for mother's day out at church for the fall - crazy! I know he will have a blast though. And, last night, he refused to take a bath. He wanted a "sower"! (translation- shower) He loved it! I told Jared that I probably took my first shower at like eight! I could not believe my two and a half year old wanted to take a shower. Jared reassured me that he only likes it because it feels like rain and if we put him in a real shower he would probably hate it. Whew... okay he's not growing up that fast. And we still have potty training to conquer. And, oh, this morning at church, he said "Mom, ready a go eat!" very adimently (have no idea how to spell that word). Hilarious!
May God fill my heart with love for my children and my husband and may my desires be his.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Budgets and Bumbos



So our church put together a series of seminars concerning money. It's a push to help the families in the church understand their budget and the economy. Some things they stated on Sunday night really shocked me and, surprisingly, applied to my family. For one, many households have less than $2,500 in savings at any moment. Another, seminaries are not teaching upcoming pastors how to budget money. And still another, 40% of members of churches give absolutely nothing to their home church. Wow! Many of the stats thoroughly surprised me on Sunday night. Though we semi-have a budget in our household we rarely stick strictly to it. Ever since I was bedridden in December, I have given the budget to Jared. Sometimes I wonder what he has done with it, but I tell myself that I need to start trusting him as the head of our house. He has never learned how to budget money which makes me feel sorry for him on one hand, but makes me frustrated with him all the same. Part of me wants to yell, "You have a wife, three kids, and a mortgage! You can't cop out of things anymore! You need to man up!" So attending the budget seminars will hopefully be informative and helpful for him and us.
On another note, I start work on Tuesday. I am dreading every minute that I have to be there. For the first time in my life I feel content not to work. I always spoke against staying at home with kids and being a housewife, but here I am. I feel that God has changed my every thought about the matter in the past few months. I see evidence in Joshua that it is good for me to stay at home. I see evidence in myself that I enjoy being at home. And for the first time in our four-year marriage, I have been able to cook dinner for my husband every night. I don't know. I love my job and it's only two days a week. I pray that God will give me answers and give me the guts to follow through with the answers he has given me. When I was working, I saw how selfish I could be: with hours, with money, with my time, and with the disregard for other people. I feel like God has given me the ability to change someone's life. And though I don't know who or when, I really don't want my schedule to get in the way.
On a happier note, the boys sat in their bumbo chairs today! As a mom, you wait and wait for months for your babies to do something. "It's beginning" is all I can think. We had my birthday last week and I was thinking ahead to my next birthday when it occurred to me that the twins will be one by that time and probably walking. It happens so fast. I just pray that my impatience will not get in the way of enjoying their baby time. After all, they are my last babies.
I also want to pray for our country, that God would have mercy on us. I am so completely frustrated I have no more words to say concerning our economy or our president.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Progress

There are times (sometimes they are few and far between) as a mother when you think, "It is all worth it for this moment in my child's life." The crying, the whining, the timeouts, the bedtimes, the bathtimes, the eating - as hard as those things are it only takes one special moment to overcompensate for how hard it is to be a mother. This week I have been blessed to be a part of good times with all my kids. My twins are so tiny and I thought that they were going to be small for a long time. But after bath last night I pulled preemie clothes out and neither of them fit! Could it be? That my teensie babies are really growing? Yes! They are in 0-3 month clothing. I know this doesn't seem like a big feat but as a mom it's quite exciting. To know that I am feeding them enough and they are nourished and happy and well is all I have hoped for since they have come out of the NICU. They are getting big and still so precious.
My other happy moment was with Joshua today. He has been fighting dressing and diaper changes for what seems like forever. So today I said, "Okay, let's put your cars underwear on" and he was ecstatic. So after an hour of playing in just his undies and 20 billion "Do you need to potty?" he did it. He just sat down casually and went in the potty chair. Now his undies were still on but oh well - he went in the potty! This has been the most daunting feat (for me) of raising kids, but we might make it through. So after he went potty, we took his potty to the toilet and flushed it and high fived and it was amazing.
So, no, I am not saving the world. But for once in a blue moon my kids look pretty good. It makes being a mother, staying at home, being poor, being that 'woman with all the kids' worth it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Two

I wasn't really disturbed by the saying "terrible twos" until now. Staying at home is quite a task. Sure, there are plenty of things to do, but I also have to keep three kids entertained. I am lucky that two of them sleep most of the time right now. Today, Joshua is about to drive me straight up the wall. My adult mind wants him to do things on my schedule and the way that I want it done. Are my expectations too high? Probably. We were going to go to the mall and play this morning (because, yes, it's still winter) and it took us, like, an hour and a half to get ready. And then we ended up not even going. Frustrated? Definitely. I pray that God gives me patience. On top of that, Jared worked an extra job last night so he left at five last night and returned at nine this morning. Now I kind of know what it's like to be a single parent. Part of me keeps thinking, "Okay, only a month and a half til I go back to work." I pray that God gives me purpose and joy while I am at home. I keep trying to distract myself with things that will make me busy. I keep trying to find things for Joshua to do to keep him busy. What's the answer here? Am I just not meant for home life? I pray that God will show me joy and contentment in staying at home. Being a mom is great; being a stay at home mom is a different story.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Homefront

Last night initiated my husband's new schedule - deep nights. He left at ten and returned at seven-thirty. What do I think about this? I kind of like it. Face it. I am extremely used to sleeping alone and it was really nice having him home at night. We had dinner together and I didn't have to put my two-year old to bed by myself. And, by the way, is this why I earned my degree? To deal with potty training (of which we are having no success) and making sure my child stays in bed at night? I guess so. I was concerned that I would be found without purpose after the twins came (like I felt after Joshua came) but I am actually enjoying the stay at home mom thing. We all four went to the doctor yesterday and we went to the MAC on Monday without Dad and we were fine. What "they" say about mother's emotions are reflected in children is completely true. I have found (at least for the moment) that if I stay calm, my children will stay calm.
It is nice also that Jared is sleeping and I got Joshua to lie down with him in bed - so no screaming from the other room today. Yay! Really I should be organizing our office/ game room. That is on my agenda this week and I have made no progress thus far. Where to start is the looming question. I guess we'll see what gets done.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Beginning

Today my husband went back to work. So begins my first day alone with three kids. What an adventure. I keep thinking, "How am I ever going to do it alone?" But then I remind myself to stay calm and take it a little bit at a time. My little bit right now is that my 2 year old is down for a nap and I am listening to the twins grunt at each other. I am thankful for the weather today because I know I can send Joshua outside to play and that will occupy much of the afternoon. Though I know it will be hard on my husband, I am secretly hoping that he will be able to change his shift to deep nights, or 12 to 8, so he can be with me at night. Ever since he began his career as a policeman, I have dreamed of dinners together. I have settled with lunch and found a part-time job in the evenings. Partly to avoid nights without him. I never realized how much harder nights alone are than mornings. There always seems to be something to do in the mornings - grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, play dates, etc - that is almost impossible to do in the evenings.
Anyway, I have found several things to fill our schedules as a newly stay at home mom. First, library time is on Thursdays - that will be good for Joshua. Bible study is on Wednesdays - which will be good for me and Joshua. The MAC has toddler time on Mondays and Wednesdays. I find myself attempting to fill the schedule because my 2 year old has recently found the art of violence. My limited knowledge of preschool psychology leads me to believe it is caused by the babies and he is vying for attention. How do I deal with this? Well, for starters, I am filling the schedule. I have a hard time getting angry with him because I feel it is just in reaction to something I brought into his life. I just pray that daily he (and I) get more and more comfortable with the babies and make them a part of our lives.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Cabin Fever

You know you have been inside too long when your two year old wants to leave with every person he sees and wants to go outside even though it's 20 degrees. My mom was wonderful today as she watched the twins while I and Joshua took a break and went to the mall. I am trying to take every advantage of help while it lasts. I know one day everyone else will get back to their lives and I will be here - still trying to adjust. Jared is in Miami today, attending his grandfather's funeral, which turned out to be not so bad. We both found out that a few months ago he accepted Christ as his savior. Though I did not know him, Jared thought he would be the last one to trust our Heavenly Father for anything. How God can work in ways that we do not understand - but are thankful for. Speaking of things we do not understand - the past week has proved to be financially overwhelming. Before the babies, I managed the finances for the family; creating a budget and paying off credit cards. Recently, I have given the responsibility back to Jared for the time being. It seems that everyday we have received a medical bill in the mail. Having two babies is not just twice the cost, but about four times the cost. One would think that insurance would be good for something, but I haven't quit pinpointed that something just yet. I pray that God would bring us through these times - as he has before - and that he would teach us to be smart managers of his money. Thinking of our hard earned money as His really puts things in perspective. May God also be with Jared now as he is making financial decisions for his family.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Day Out

Today marked our first outing as a five-member family. It was only to the doctor's office, but hey, that's an outing, right? Both boys are gaining significant amounts of weight and the nurse practitioner said I didn't have to wake them every three hours at night to feed them. That sounded really good to me. We still have lots of help around the house (my mom and husband are off this week) which makes me worried about the times that I am going to be home alone - with three children. I think I will soon find out because my husband's grandfather died yesturday and he is planning on flying down to Miami for the funeral. I pray for that family. I don't think that his grandfather was saved. That makes things even harder. That also makes me grateful for my family, knowing that my husband and the members of his and my family will be in heaven with me someday. As a mother, I constantly pray for my children, that they would find Jesus at a young age. May the Lord shine a bright light through me that would be a revelation to my kids. That is my biggest fear - that my kids will not know Jesus. That's pretty much my purpose in life, right? To glorify God so much so that those around me have no choice but to see His righteousness and faithfulness. And how faithful is He? Constantly he reveals his wonderful love - through the babies being in the NICU, through our friends who have brought us food every night, through family who have shown so much love and support. How I pray that one day I can show God's love to other's as the people around me have shown his love to me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Week 2

Today begins week 2 of babies in the NICU. I am so grateful for my family, that they care to take me to the hospital and watch Joshua while Jared is at work. The doctor told us today that Peyton and Landen are progressing well and might be able to come home soon. Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I have been in a waiting game. I definitely do not want to take them home too early, but I hate feeling split between my children. I am full of anticipation and fear for the future. Will I be able to handle it? Will we be able to afford it? I know God is my provider and he wants me to stay at home, but it is hard living in a new house and relying on one income. I am thankful that my husband has a secure job. I pray that the Lord will give me strength to make it through this week no matter the outcome of the babies arrival. I also pray for the continued progression of Peyton and Landen. Just one more hump - feeding - and they will be home free. Then the chaos truly begins.

Monday, January 12, 2009

My Joshua

So today begins week 2, or day 8, of my stay at the hospital. I cannot help but to worry about the affects of this stay and the new babies on my Joshua. I hope and pray that all three of us will soon adopt Landen and Peyton into our family as we did two years ago with Joshua. I think we will be going home tomorrow as well, leaving my two little ones here at the hospital. Though I know it is best, I feel as though I need to be with them every second to watch the nurses and to learn how to manage two preemie babies. The NICU nurse has proved to be lots of help though. She has taught me how to successfully feed, change, and warm the babies. I am hoping that my feelings of inadequacies will cease before long. "Take it ten minutes at a time" I read in my Twins book the other day. I pray that God will show me what this means as well as show me how to include Joshua into our new lives.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Wow Hormones

It is 9:00 pm. The end of day 2 after surgery. The babies are still in the NICU but are holding their own. Peyton is eating well, keeping his temperature, and has been moved out of the warming bed into a cart. Landen is still having trouble with his temperature, but is eating well. Upstairs in my room, I am feeling very jittery and hormonal. I feel like I want to sleep, but can't and I want to walk around, but there is really nowhere to go. I have to keep reminding myself that each day will get easier taking care of the boys and each day I will feel better. Let me just say, for the record, how I hate hormones and not feeling balanced. The babies will stay in the NICU longer than we will stay in the hospital so I am hoping that the in between time will give my body a chance to heal before the chaos begins. My mother has been a treat and a blessing, for she has volunteered to help with the boys and is already making a sign up sheet for others to help as well. How grateful I am to have a loving and caring family who will drop things for my needs. I pray today that God would give me the hope and comfort that I need to make it through the next days and weeks and that I would be able to show God's love to others as others have shown such love to me. Thanks be to God for my children.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

About Me

I am normally not the journalling type; you know - too busy to think about my own thoughts. I realize that my thoughts have been boiling and maybe a good way to categorize my emotions is to blog. I am 24 from Arlington, Texas. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful two year old boy. Life day-to-day is, well, "interesting". I work part-time as a director of a learning center and love to teach and learn. One of my favorite things about my life is my Sunday School class. Never in my life have I experienced God's love so fully and pure as I have in the past year from my class. You think, your family is supposed to love and take care of you, but these people, my friends have constantly gone out of thier way to show love and support to my family. 2008 was a hard year and 2009 is not proving to be any easier.