training

Since April, my friend Catherine and I have been training for a race - The Hottest Half. It is called the hottest because it falls dead in the center of August. Are we crazy? Probably. It is called a half because it is a half marathon. In the middle of August. Are we crazy now? Definitely. Back in April I thought a half marathon would be fun and a good way to shed some baby weight. Now that it is over 100 degrees daily, I am not so sure. This past Catherine and I ran eight miles. This week will be nine. It's amazing how you can train your body to do things like run long distances. I am more amazed that I - me! - am training my body to do it. In a way, I am proud of myself, because I am accomplishing a small goal (or a long goal I should say) that I set for myself. I love the feeling of accomplishment. It makes me feel as though my small contribution in this huge world means something.
Today at work I was telling my friend - who has gone off to teach and build a career - how old I felt sometimes with all these college kids working with me. My student asked me why I don't teach. I was taken aback for a moment not prepared for the question. Then I told her that I have three children and I would rather not work full time. I would rather be at home. Which is halfway true. Sometimes I feel as though I set a goal for myself - like running- that I have yet to accomplish. My passion is teaching and I have dreamed of making a difference in others' lives through English, writing, and communication, but where did it go? Sure I tutor and teach, and I love doing that, but will I ever have my time? I hope that I will not completely regret the - completely right and God willed - decision that I have made to stay at home. And I hope that I get to teach someday. Part of me still feels that it is a distant dream never to become reality.
Then I begin to ask myself questions like, "Would you rather be working?"; "Would you rather leave your children with someone else?"; "Do you wish you would have waited to have children?" Though my answer to myself is always, "No", it still lingers. I love being a mother and am so blessed to have my beautiful boys, I just hope that one day it will be my turn. I am so blessed to have a husband that works his tail off to support and provide so that I don't have to work. One of our friends said - in reference to sending her child to daycare - "She's going to learn it, no matter who teaches her". This put Jared at an uproar. He told me tonight that he would not want anyone else to teach our kids. I appreciate that he said that. He has always been supportive of me working or staying at home and I appreciate hearing that he does expect that of me. I am glad and blessed to provide - they are everything to me. May God bless my children and husband because I stay at home. I pray that he allows me to be content with the choice of staying at home.

half way

This Friday notes the halfway mark in the twins first year. Has it really been that long? Yes. Has it gone by quickly? Yes. Has it felt like six whole months? Definitely.
My dad asked me earlier this evening if it was easy to bring the kids to their house every week. I just looked at him and said, "Nothing is easy." My hope, as I sit and blog late at night, is that one day, somewhere over the rainbow, it will be easy; or maybe just easier. I keep reminding myself that after the twins start walking it will be better. But then I look at Joshua and I think, "terrible two's is better!?"
Oh, well. Life is fun - no - interesting is the better word. Last week, during our weekly trip to my parents, we went swimming. As we were all finishing and everyone was getting out, Jared took Joshua's life jacket off. I was sitting at the other end of the pool talking to my dad and Jared started to tend to the babies. The very next thing I knew, I see Joshua's head bobbing in the pool. Flip out is an understatement to my reaction. Gatorade bottle flung. towel stripped. I practically ran on water to my child's aide. Good gracious! I did not hear him splash or anything. As Jared was closer, he heard my cries and jumped in to save Joshua. Exasperated, and in tears, I grabbed my crying Joshua and hugged him so tightly. How quickly it all happened. That night, I broke down. Reality of how much Joshua is to me and how fragile his life is set in. Thank the Lord God Almighty that he turned my head at that moment and that Jared was right there to jump in the pool. My sweet Joshua. Thank you God for my children and may I never take their lives or my motherly position for granted.