training

Since April, my friend Catherine and I have been training for a race - The Hottest Half. It is called the hottest because it falls dead in the center of August. Are we crazy? Probably. It is called a half because it is a half marathon. In the middle of August. Are we crazy now? Definitely. Back in April I thought a half marathon would be fun and a good way to shed some baby weight. Now that it is over 100 degrees daily, I am not so sure. This past Catherine and I ran eight miles. This week will be nine. It's amazing how you can train your body to do things like run long distances. I am more amazed that I - me! - am training my body to do it. In a way, I am proud of myself, because I am accomplishing a small goal (or a long goal I should say) that I set for myself. I love the feeling of accomplishment. It makes me feel as though my small contribution in this huge world means something.
Today at work I was telling my friend - who has gone off to teach and build a career - how old I felt sometimes with all these college kids working with me. My student asked me why I don't teach. I was taken aback for a moment not prepared for the question. Then I told her that I have three children and I would rather not work full time. I would rather be at home. Which is halfway true. Sometimes I feel as though I set a goal for myself - like running- that I have yet to accomplish. My passion is teaching and I have dreamed of making a difference in others' lives through English, writing, and communication, but where did it go? Sure I tutor and teach, and I love doing that, but will I ever have my time? I hope that I will not completely regret the - completely right and God willed - decision that I have made to stay at home. And I hope that I get to teach someday. Part of me still feels that it is a distant dream never to become reality.
Then I begin to ask myself questions like, "Would you rather be working?"; "Would you rather leave your children with someone else?"; "Do you wish you would have waited to have children?" Though my answer to myself is always, "No", it still lingers. I love being a mother and am so blessed to have my beautiful boys, I just hope that one day it will be my turn. I am so blessed to have a husband that works his tail off to support and provide so that I don't have to work. One of our friends said - in reference to sending her child to daycare - "She's going to learn it, no matter who teaches her". This put Jared at an uproar. He told me tonight that he would not want anyone else to teach our kids. I appreciate that he said that. He has always been supportive of me working or staying at home and I appreciate hearing that he does expect that of me. I am glad and blessed to provide - they are everything to me. May God bless my children and husband because I stay at home. I pray that he allows me to be content with the choice of staying at home.