Falling

Maybe it just happens to me, but sometimes I feel like the rug gets pulled right out from under my feet. This describes this week. Everything happened at once. Let me list the things I felt this week: my marriage was falling apart, my twins were always hungry, my Joshua was never happy, my bank account was completely empty. I found myself yelling at God saying, "What! What do you want!?" This week I wanted to crawl into a hole where no responsibilities existed. "I did not sign up for this" I found myself saying tonight. Jared left for work at the most inappropriate time - 8:00 - leaving me to feed the babies and get all three children into bed. On top of that, I had to make breakfast for our class tomorrow. Overloaded. Needless to say, breakfast is not made and the kids got into bed about 9:30. Exhausted. I am trying to relieve some of my anxiety on the computer. God, move in me. Change me. Relieve me.

Change

Oh, how God has changed my heart in the past four months. Last weekend, my mother (yes, my mother) graduated from college. This has been thirty years in the making and I am so proud of her. Of course, going to the graduation and walking around the campus I once, too, attended, reminded me of my own degree and college experience. How time flies. Just two short years ago, I was walking across the same stage receiving a diploma of my own. Since that time, I have not done a thing with it, except get a raise at work. But, that's the way God changed me. It's ironic to me that just as my mother is beginning to face the world after staying at home, I am leaving the world to stay at home. Much of me wonders why she wants, so badly, to become a career woman when clearly she does not need to. But, that's the way God changed her.
Recently, the Lord has taught me that my impact outside of my home is not as great as my impact on my home. He has taught me to have joy as a mother and wife. He has given me peace and contentment with the everyday, as I once thought the mundane. The Lord has taught me how to trust my husband to completely provide for our family. Most of all, the Lord has given me such a great love for my family that I don't feel the need to work anymore. This being said, last week, I gave Marca my notice. I told her that I could work through the summer, but after that I would be finished. What do I think of this? Part of me feels relief. The other feels regret. Logically, my income does nothing and I am asking my tired husband to watch three boys, which is no small task. Emotionally, I love my job and I love the continual learning, growing, and helping. So, what is my solution? Prayer right now. Marca asked me to work just one day a week. I am not sure what my response will be. I pray that the Lord will guide me through this neverending work battle and I will be confident enough to follow through with His decision.

case of the mondays

Every Monday since the twins arrived home, my Granmom has heroically saved me. She comes promptly at ten to aid with laundry, dishes, chores, lunch, feedings, and reading. Monday is definitely my favorite day of the week because I feel that I am not alone. I feel that someone else understands and is truly helpful. Truly helpful to me is someone who knows exactly what you need and, with no words, does exactly what needs to be done. This is Granmom to a T. We have such a system down now, it feels almost easy to begin the week. Not only do I get my laundry done every week, I get to spend a little alone time with Joshua. Though he is a good big brother, he misses being an only child. Sometimes I miss having time alone with him. So we go to the store, to the mall, to Matt's store (which happens every week, no doubt), anywhere. Because we are alone, and we can do whatever we want. It's kind of mother-son bonding time. When this happens, I am more intuned with Joshua and he somehow becomes my sweet boy again. I only bring up these glorious Mondays because this Monday was not like other Mondays. Granmom, and Pop, travelled to celebrate their anniversary, which left me alone on Monday. I truly was paranoid that absolutely nothing was going to get done. Suffice it to say, my mother came in to rescue the morning. So, all was well. We didn't quite get all the laundry done, but I had help in the chaos - that's all that matters.
As for other matters in life, I am praying praying about work. God has completely overcompensated for my income by providing a well-paying extra job for Jared. Lord, give me the strength to do the best thing for my family. Give me confidence in your future and your plans for me.

spring garden

In early March, I finally tackled the horrendous flower bed out front. After hours and hours of pulling, digging, and replanting, I found that this flowerbed had not been touched for years. I soon realized that when workers are building a house, instead of using a trash can, they just sweep everything into the flowerbed. So I found brick and wrappers among the weeds and grass. So, here we are, two months later, and I am still battling the weeds and grass. I feel this will be a long war, that I am determined to win, no doubt. Some progress has been made, though. Those two months ago, I did plant bulbs of calla lilies, day lilies, caladiums, and others. I have been watching and waiting for those rustic bulbs to burst into beautiful flowers. Well, spring has sprung. My day lillies are about to burst with color and I am so anxious.
The changing of the seasons is occurring in our home, too. My little preemie babies are growing and bursting with life. As hard as motherhood is, seeing your children begin to express themselves and develop their own personalities is amazing. Seeing it twice at the same time is even more amazing. Landen and Peyton are proving to be more than just eaters and sleepers. Landen is a people-pleaser. He is the first one to smile at a guest and the first to cuddle in another's arms. Peyton is quite the opposite. Jared says he is a huge mama's boy - even more so than Joshua. He almost throws a fit anytime someone other than 'mama' feeds him. he will not smile at other people unless they really entertain him. He is gonna be a pickle - I can feel it. But I know that he is going to be really exciting, too.
May God continue to bless my boys with health and give me a new love for them each day.