Life

So, last week was the beginning of back-to-work. All the while I was thinking, "Maybe I could just work through the summer, or maybe I could work till the end of school." Then I was thinking, "No, this will really help out with diapers and formula." Oh, what to do, what to do. I feel bad leaving my tired, overworked husband at home with three kids. I thoroughly feel content while at home. But I love what I do, and I like being ridiculously busy - if that is logical at all.
Tonight I put my twins in their own room for the first time. They have been sleeping from nine to seven every night for a week so I knew it was time to part with them. On one hand I am happy and rejoicing that I finally got my room back, but these are my last babies. I am not a baby-baby person so I can't wait for them to grow up, but I keep reminding myself that I need to cherish these moments, not rush them. To worsen things, I signed Joshua up for mother's day out at church for the fall - crazy! I know he will have a blast though. And, last night, he refused to take a bath. He wanted a "sower"! (translation- shower) He loved it! I told Jared that I probably took my first shower at like eight! I could not believe my two and a half year old wanted to take a shower. Jared reassured me that he only likes it because it feels like rain and if we put him in a real shower he would probably hate it. Whew... okay he's not growing up that fast. And we still have potty training to conquer. And, oh, this morning at church, he said "Mom, ready a go eat!" very adimently (have no idea how to spell that word). Hilarious!
May God fill my heart with love for my children and my husband and may my desires be his.

Budgets and Bumbos

So our church put together a series of seminars concerning money. It's a push to help the families in the church understand their budget and the economy. Some things they stated on Sunday night really shocked me and, surprisingly, applied to my family. For one, many households have less than $2,500 in savings at any moment. Another, seminaries are not teaching upcoming pastors how to budget money. And still another, 40% of members of churches give absolutely nothing to their home church. Wow! Many of the stats thoroughly surprised me on Sunday night. Though we semi-have a budget in our household we rarely stick strictly to it. Ever since I was bedridden in December, I have given the budget to Jared. Sometimes I wonder what he has done with it, but I tell myself that I need to start trusting him as the head of our house. He has never learned how to budget money which makes me feel sorry for him on one hand, but makes me frustrated with him all the same. Part of me wants to yell, "You have a wife, three kids, and a mortgage! You can't cop out of things anymore! You need to man up!" So attending the budget seminars will hopefully be informative and helpful for him and us.
On another note, I start work on Tuesday. I am dreading every minute that I have to be there. For the first time in my life I feel content not to work. I always spoke against staying at home with kids and being a housewife, but here I am. I feel that God has changed my every thought about the matter in the past few months. I see evidence in Joshua that it is good for me to stay at home. I see evidence in myself that I enjoy being at home. And for the first time in our four-year marriage, I have been able to cook dinner for my husband every night. I don't know. I love my job and it's only two days a week. I pray that God will give me answers and give me the guts to follow through with the answers he has given me. When I was working, I saw how selfish I could be: with hours, with money, with my time, and with the disregard for other people. I feel like God has given me the ability to change someone's life. And though I don't know who or when, I really don't want my schedule to get in the way.
On a happier note, the boys sat in their bumbo chairs today! As a mom, you wait and wait for months for your babies to do something. "It's beginning" is all I can think. We had my birthday last week and I was thinking ahead to my next birthday when it occurred to me that the twins will be one by that time and probably walking. It happens so fast. I just pray that my impatience will not get in the way of enjoying their baby time. After all, they are my last babies.
I also want to pray for our country, that God would have mercy on us. I am so completely frustrated I have no more words to say concerning our economy or our president.

Progress

There are times (sometimes they are few and far between) as a mother when you think, "It is all worth it for this moment in my child's life." The crying, the whining, the timeouts, the bedtimes, the bathtimes, the eating - as hard as those things are it only takes one special moment to overcompensate for how hard it is to be a mother. This week I have been blessed to be a part of good times with all my kids. My twins are so tiny and I thought that they were going to be small for a long time. But after bath last night I pulled preemie clothes out and neither of them fit! Could it be? That my teensie babies are really growing? Yes! They are in 0-3 month clothing. I know this doesn't seem like a big feat but as a mom it's quite exciting. To know that I am feeding them enough and they are nourished and happy and well is all I have hoped for since they have come out of the NICU. They are getting big and still so precious.
My other happy moment was with Joshua today. He has been fighting dressing and diaper changes for what seems like forever. So today I said, "Okay, let's put your cars underwear on" and he was ecstatic. So after an hour of playing in just his undies and 20 billion "Do you need to potty?" he did it. He just sat down casually and went in the potty chair. Now his undies were still on but oh well - he went in the potty! This has been the most daunting feat (for me) of raising kids, but we might make it through. So after he went potty, we took his potty to the toilet and flushed it and high fived and it was amazing.
So, no, I am not saving the world. But for once in a blue moon my kids look pretty good. It makes being a mother, staying at home, being poor, being that 'woman with all the kids' worth it.

Two

I wasn't really disturbed by the saying "terrible twos" until now. Staying at home is quite a task. Sure, there are plenty of things to do, but I also have to keep three kids entertained. I am lucky that two of them sleep most of the time right now. Today, Joshua is about to drive me straight up the wall. My adult mind wants him to do things on my schedule and the way that I want it done. Are my expectations too high? Probably. We were going to go to the mall and play this morning (because, yes, it's still winter) and it took us, like, an hour and a half to get ready. And then we ended up not even going. Frustrated? Definitely. I pray that God gives me patience. On top of that, Jared worked an extra job last night so he left at five last night and returned at nine this morning. Now I kind of know what it's like to be a single parent. Part of me keeps thinking, "Okay, only a month and a half til I go back to work." I pray that God gives me purpose and joy while I am at home. I keep trying to distract myself with things that will make me busy. I keep trying to find things for Joshua to do to keep him busy. What's the answer here? Am I just not meant for home life? I pray that God will show me joy and contentment in staying at home. Being a mom is great; being a stay at home mom is a different story.

The Homefront

Last night initiated my husband's new schedule - deep nights. He left at ten and returned at seven-thirty. What do I think about this? I kind of like it. Face it. I am extremely used to sleeping alone and it was really nice having him home at night. We had dinner together and I didn't have to put my two-year old to bed by myself. And, by the way, is this why I earned my degree? To deal with potty training (of which we are having no success) and making sure my child stays in bed at night? I guess so. I was concerned that I would be found without purpose after the twins came (like I felt after Joshua came) but I am actually enjoying the stay at home mom thing. We all four went to the doctor yesterday and we went to the MAC on Monday without Dad and we were fine. What "they" say about mother's emotions are reflected in children is completely true. I have found (at least for the moment) that if I stay calm, my children will stay calm.
It is nice also that Jared is sleeping and I got Joshua to lie down with him in bed - so no screaming from the other room today. Yay! Really I should be organizing our office/ game room. That is on my agenda this week and I have made no progress thus far. Where to start is the looming question. I guess we'll see what gets done.

The Beginning

Today my husband went back to work. So begins my first day alone with three kids. What an adventure. I keep thinking, "How am I ever going to do it alone?" But then I remind myself to stay calm and take it a little bit at a time. My little bit right now is that my 2 year old is down for a nap and I am listening to the twins grunt at each other. I am thankful for the weather today because I know I can send Joshua outside to play and that will occupy much of the afternoon. Though I know it will be hard on my husband, I am secretly hoping that he will be able to change his shift to deep nights, or 12 to 8, so he can be with me at night. Ever since he began his career as a policeman, I have dreamed of dinners together. I have settled with lunch and found a part-time job in the evenings. Partly to avoid nights without him. I never realized how much harder nights alone are than mornings. There always seems to be something to do in the mornings - grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, play dates, etc - that is almost impossible to do in the evenings.
Anyway, I have found several things to fill our schedules as a newly stay at home mom. First, library time is on Thursdays - that will be good for Joshua. Bible study is on Wednesdays - which will be good for me and Joshua. The MAC has toddler time on Mondays and Wednesdays. I find myself attempting to fill the schedule because my 2 year old has recently found the art of violence. My limited knowledge of preschool psychology leads me to believe it is caused by the babies and he is vying for attention. How do I deal with this? Well, for starters, I am filling the schedule. I have a hard time getting angry with him because I feel it is just in reaction to something I brought into his life. I just pray that daily he (and I) get more and more comfortable with the babies and make them a part of our lives.