In the Garden

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

busyness

I got on to my computer tonight with nothing in mind but a break. I noticed that I have not blogged since July 16 which is clearly over a month ago. Not because of laziness - well maybe a little - but because we have been so incredibly busy. First of all, plumbing issues lead us to not only spend an unexpected fortune on new pipes, but we now have beautiful holes in a few of the walls. My positivity lead me to tell my husband that "at least the holes are in rooms we have not painted. Therefore, we have a greater urgency for paint in those rooms!" As much as my husband loves to paint... Also, adding to the busyness, for the past two weeks I have gone in to work twice a week instead of just once. I really don't know how mothers of multiple children work and keep their houses. I worked two days in one week and I felt like the sky was going to fall. Which leads me to another busyness - the twins are scooting! I know, it's incredibly exciting and overwhelming. I am starting to see sibling rivalry play out in my household. Joshua just doesn't quite understand that the babies don't know what is his and theirs. Lastly, on the busyness list, Jared has been working a lot. I feel bad because he doesn't get a lot of sleep and he's gone a lot, but I know he would rather it be this way than me working while he stayed at home between shifts.
So, with all of our busyness stacking, I have decided to break free from the cycle. I have suggested that Jared and I go on a trip - just the two of us - in January after the twins' birthday. I thought this might get us distracted from the fact that he is working all the time and I am busy with kids all the time. Though we love it - it's exhausting. Jared and I have a weekly date night - thanks to the in-laws - and I think that this night, once a week, has single-handedly saved our marriage. We switch off picking dates each week and we just hang out and remember why we are married. I love it.

training

Since April, my friend Catherine and I have been training for a race - The Hottest Half. It is called the hottest because it falls dead in the center of August. Are we crazy? Probably. It is called a half because it is a half marathon. In the middle of August. Are we crazy now? Definitely. Back in April I thought a half marathon would be fun and a good way to shed some baby weight. Now that it is over 100 degrees daily, I am not so sure. This past Catherine and I ran eight miles. This week will be nine. It's amazing how you can train your body to do things like run long distances. I am more amazed that I - me! - am training my body to do it. In a way, I am proud of myself, because I am accomplishing a small goal (or a long goal I should say) that I set for myself. I love the feeling of accomplishment. It makes me feel as though my small contribution in this huge world means something.
Today at work I was telling my friend - who has gone off to teach and build a career - how old I felt sometimes with all these college kids working with me. My student asked me why I don't teach. I was taken aback for a moment not prepared for the question. Then I told her that I have three children and I would rather not work full time. I would rather be at home. Which is halfway true. Sometimes I feel as though I set a goal for myself - like running- that I have yet to accomplish. My passion is teaching and I have dreamed of making a difference in others' lives through English, writing, and communication, but where did it go? Sure I tutor and teach, and I love doing that, but will I ever have my time? I hope that I will not completely regret the - completely right and God willed - decision that I have made to stay at home. And I hope that I get to teach someday. Part of me still feels that it is a distant dream never to become reality.
Then I begin to ask myself questions like, "Would you rather be working?"; "Would you rather leave your children with someone else?"; "Do you wish you would have waited to have children?" Though my answer to myself is always, "No", it still lingers. I love being a mother and am so blessed to have my beautiful boys, I just hope that one day it will be my turn. I am so blessed to have a husband that works his tail off to support and provide so that I don't have to work. One of our friends said - in reference to sending her child to daycare - "She's going to learn it, no matter who teaches her". This put Jared at an uproar. He told me tonight that he would not want anyone else to teach our kids. I appreciate that he said that. He has always been supportive of me working or staying at home and I appreciate hearing that he does expect that of me. I am glad and blessed to provide - they are everything to me. May God bless my children and husband because I stay at home. I pray that he allows me to be content with the choice of staying at home.

half way

This Friday notes the halfway mark in the twins first year. Has it really been that long? Yes. Has it gone by quickly? Yes. Has it felt like six whole months? Definitely.
My dad asked me earlier this evening if it was easy to bring the kids to their house every week. I just looked at him and said, "Nothing is easy." My hope, as I sit and blog late at night, is that one day, somewhere over the rainbow, it will be easy; or maybe just easier. I keep reminding myself that after the twins start walking it will be better. But then I look at Joshua and I think, "terrible two's is better!?"
Oh, well. Life is fun - no - interesting is the better word. Last week, during our weekly trip to my parents, we went swimming. As we were all finishing and everyone was getting out, Jared took Joshua's life jacket off. I was sitting at the other end of the pool talking to my dad and Jared started to tend to the babies. The very next thing I knew, I see Joshua's head bobbing in the pool. Flip out is an understatement to my reaction. Gatorade bottle flung. towel stripped. I practically ran on water to my child's aide. Good gracious! I did not hear him splash or anything. As Jared was closer, he heard my cries and jumped in to save Joshua. Exasperated, and in tears, I grabbed my crying Joshua and hugged him so tightly. How quickly it all happened. That night, I broke down. Reality of how much Joshua is to me and how fragile his life is set in. Thank the Lord God Almighty that he turned my head at that moment and that Jared was right there to jump in the pool. My sweet Joshua. Thank you God for my children and may I never take their lives or my motherly position for granted.

easier

Until recently, I have been a middle-of-the-road kind of person. I have opted out of activities because it was more comfortable to not participate. I had very low expectations of others because I did not want them to let me down. I also had very low expectations of myself because I did not want to feel guilty for letting others down. I felt it was easier not to make friends than to make friends and be disappointed. Or worse, disappoint them. Since Jared and I have joined FBC, I feel many of my inhibitions have been freed. I think part of it is desperation. Part of it is feeling more comfortable with myself as a person and friend. Part of it is allowing God to move in me. Really, if I never got intimate with anyone, how could God work through me? If I never got intimate with anyone, how could God work in me through others?
So, I (or we, I should say; including Jared) have been putting myself out there. Allowing my flaws to be shown. Allowing others into our personal lives to share. Why? Honestly, I am tired of making life easy and comfortable. Nobody gets or keeps a relationship with easy and comfortable. One example is my running buddy, Catherine. I have wanted to run a half-marathon for a long time, and now that I am never (thank God!) going to be pregnant again, I can train for one. So, I put myself out there. I asked her to run with me. And, we have been running together for about two months. Every Saturday. It wasn't easy or comfortable to ask, but it was worth it.
Tonight, we had a girls night. I love those girls. I wasn't going to go because Jared and I are down to our last pennies of the month and we have a mortgage coming. Needless to say, we had no money for a movie. Well, I get a text about five saying that they had an extra ticket. Such great friends to think of me. So, I dropped the clan off at the in-laws and went to the movies. Nothing special, just girls seeing a girly movie. But it was wonderful. I know for a fact that I would not have friends like that if I had not put myself out there. What a difference some vulnerability can make. Thank the Lord that I can share random life with people who care, and they are not my family.Thank the Lord that I have friends who are Christians and they have the same goals in their life/family/marriage as I do in mine. Thank the Lord that he has saved me from insanity by putting amazing people in my life. I pray that the Lord will work through me to bless the people he has put in my life. That my words and actions will be uplifting, encouraging, and loving.

Clarify

I am writing this blog, not to journal, but to clarify my last entry. Apparently people really do think that my marriage is falling apart and that we desperately need money. None of the things I listed are true, they are meant to be exaggerations. Let me clarify a few things: Life is hard. It's even harder when you have three kids under the age of three, a husband who works a lot, and a wife who does not. Our family, and marriage, are not perfect by any means, but we are all in it together. Life is hard. One of the reasons I began to blog was, and still is, to release some of the unneeded tensions. Life is hard - and that is what I mainly blog about. Life is also amazing. God has blessed me with a wonderful family, husband, house, and life. Life is hard; God is good. My prayer is that God would use this blog to reflect His movement in my life and to help others come closer to him.

Falling

Maybe it just happens to me, but sometimes I feel like the rug gets pulled right out from under my feet. This describes this week. Everything happened at once. Let me list the things I felt this week: my marriage was falling apart, my twins were always hungry, my Joshua was never happy, my bank account was completely empty. I found myself yelling at God saying, "What! What do you want!?" This week I wanted to crawl into a hole where no responsibilities existed. "I did not sign up for this" I found myself saying tonight. Jared left for work at the most inappropriate time - 8:00 - leaving me to feed the babies and get all three children into bed. On top of that, I had to make breakfast for our class tomorrow. Overloaded. Needless to say, breakfast is not made and the kids got into bed about 9:30. Exhausted. I am trying to relieve some of my anxiety on the computer. God, move in me. Change me. Relieve me.